Astrological Signs for Texas Rednecks

Sign Definitions

Longhorns (March 21 – April 20): If we turned back the clock two hundred years, Longhorns would be the ones leading the pack to settle the wild country we call home. No one worried about being “politically correct” back then and Longhorns still don’t; they call ‘em like they see ‘em. They don’t look before they leap, but will also be the ones who save your sorry ass if you get into trouble. Lady longhorns are much the same, but with a feminine spin. Both get what they want by sheer force of will, are lively in the sack, and vacation according to the gun (or gem) show schedule.

Tony Lamas (April 21 – May 21): These folks are slow talkin’, have worn the same boots, Wranglers and plaid flannel shirt as long as you can remember, and may sound just a bit like John Wayne, or in the case of Lady Lamas, May West. Once they make up their mind they ain’t gonna budge, and they’ll have landholdings that make the Ponderosa look like a building lot. They may live in a log house, but it'll be capable of withstanding a nuclear blast. They get what they want through sheer determination, like to take their time between the sheets, and vacation close to a good BBQ place well stocked with Shiner, though Lady Lamas may prefer wine.

Dust Devils (May 22 – June 21): These folks move faster than a fly on a horse’s butt. They’re smart and know somethin’ about just about anything. They can’t stand being bored so they’ll have no less than two major endeavors going on at any given time. They get what they want by outsmarting their opponent, guys and ladies alike. They’re full of all sorts of tricks between the bedposts as well as various other locations, and their vacations are broken up into increments that correspond with the NASCAR circuit.

Verandas (June 22 – July 22): The original plaque that said “Home Sweet Home” was created by a Veranda. You know you’re always welcome and can drop in whenever for a cold one, even if they’re not home. Their dogs are nice as well—all of them. Family is of top importance and the younger members don’t see anything wrong with going to family reunions to find a date. They’re warm and cuddly in bed and get what they want by imposing guilt trips. Verandas vacation at—you guessed it—family reunions, unless there’s a good flea market or antique show within spittin' distance.

Tycoons (July 23 – August 23): These folks are the closest thing to royalty this side of the Brazos. They love to gamble and were among the first to make their fortunes in oil. They frequently have longhorn racks on the front of their stretch-limo or pickup, and wear lots of gold. You’ll never see a lady tycoon looking unkempt, even at Walmart. Tycoons romp with enthusiasm in the rack, get what they want because no one dares question them, and vacation in faraway places like Houston or Dallas.

Cowpokes (August 24 – September 22): Cowpokes are hardworking and criticize anyone who works less than they do. They’re detail oriented and know the batting averages of every Astro and Ranger for the past four decades as well as the NCAA records for every college in the state. They like their dog much better than you, get what they want by careful planning, and have written procedures for every position in a 3-ring binder on the nightstand. If and when they vacation it's at the playoffs.

Tumbleweeds (September 23 – October 23): Like their namesake, these folks roll anywhere the wind blows. They’ll agree with anyone about anything and avoid contention as if it were a Cat 5 hurricane. They think of themselves as refined so they don’t chew, spit, or fart in public. They get their way through negotiation, and will go along with anything you might want in the sack, simply because they don't want to argue. They vacation at high school debate competitions.

Oil Wells (October 24 – November 22): These folks are as slick as their namesake implies and have a mystique about them that makes you intuitively check to make sure your wallet is still in your back pocket. They emanate sexuality, know all your secrets and have plenty of their own. They get their way through scheming, are full of more secrets as well as numerous surprises in bed, and vacation with anyone who’ll pay their way.

Stetsons (November 23 – December 21): These folks are more sophisticated than most and have been to places you’ve never heard of like Medford, Oregon. They exaggerate a lot, even for a Texan, get their way by pure mental prowess, and generally have strong ties to their alma mater, even if they never went to college. They’ll try anything at least once between the sheets (or anywhere else you have in mind), and vacation on hunting expeditions to exotic game preserves.

Dualies (December 22 – January 20): Dualies are disciplined, sensible, practical and usually maintain a high degree of responsibility. They know where they’re going and often hold positions of authority. They do the speed limit, even on paved roads, though they can pretty-much get wherever they want to go, on or off-road. They get their way through knowing the right people and vacation at Republican conventions. Just because they don’t make any noise at sporting events or in the sack don’t think they’re not having a good time.

Lonestars (January 21 – February 18): Though often surrounded by groupies of some sort, these folks are generally more unconventional than they appear. They don’t care what anyone thinks and won’t allow anything to interfere with their personal freedom. They get their way through persuasion, are quite innovative in the bedroom where they sometimes make use of small appliances and other electronics, and vacation at rock concerts.

Hurricanes (February 19 – March 20): Hurricanes are unpredictable and happiest with a Mel Brooks video and a case of beer. They operate in a different dimension and only survive because they have strong intuition. They get what they want by making you think they deserve it, are real screamers, if you know what I mean, and vacation at either Sea World or Area 51.