Monthly Horoscopes

Grenades (March 21 – April 20): Grenades can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Their heroics are unquestioned, but sometimes their impulsive “kill ‘em all and let God sort ‘em out” attitude is a lot like a C-4 with a trembler switch. They’ll volunteer to lead the charge every time and many of them even know how to cook. Don’t get into a drinking contest with one, though, because you’re bound to lose.

Tanks (April 21 – May 21): Nothing can stop a tank once it’s made up its mind. They may move slowly, but stopping one is another story. They’re loyal, rarely change their mind about anything, and keep their head in a crisis.  However, if quick thinking is required, they may still be scratching their head long after everyone else has bailed.

F-16 Fighting Falcons (May 22 – June 21): As their namesake implies, F-16s are quick and versatile, unless you get them in a flat spin. They’re often a jack of all trades and a master of none, but their ingenuity can get you out of just about any CF.  If they find a subject they really like they'll become an expert; learning is a recreational sport.  They have at least two personalities and it’s in your best interest to be on good terms with them both.

Foxholes (June 22 – July 22): If there’s someone in your company who’s  sympathetic and easy to talk to, chances are you’ve found yourself a Foxhole. They’re close to their family, especially “Mom”, and while they’re away from home they’re likely to attach themselves securely to their buddies. They tend to whine a bit, but will do anything for you.  If they need a favor they're not above using a guilt trip to make it happen. 

Carbines (July 23 – August 23): Carbines have an ego streak and a lot of pride, but are hard-working and natural leaders. They like credit and recognition and may pout if they don’t get it. They run on a solar battery and tend to get grumpy in cold, cloudy weather. They’ll be the first one to start a game of poker and are quite creative, which can come in handy in any number of CFs and FUBARs.

Drill Sergeants (August 24 – September 22): Picky and critical, Drill Sergeants work hard and expect the same from you. They have an eagle eye for detail, which could save your ass someday when they spot something “not quite right” from 50 yards.  Listening to their griping is a small price to pay for the fact that drunk and in the dark they can break down any weapon and get it back together correctly in 60 seconds or less.

Tracers (September 23 – October 23): Tracers work both ways in that they seldom have an opinion of their own, but will agree with just about anyone about anything. They may even profess to understand the OPFOR. They don’t like contention, which makes you wonder why they're in the military in the first place, and seek fairness for all. They hate being alone and that CD collection in their footlocker is actually Mozart and Beethoven disguised in rap jackets.

Submarines (October 24 – November 22): Subs are amazingly adept at unearthing secrets, whether it’s that obscene picture of your most recent lover (bad) or a CF of some sort developing down the road (good). They’ll never forget anyone who betrays them and invented revenge.  They're as devious as IEDs and just as covert.  If you're looking for sex, they'll have a catalog of local attractions, for a price of course.  Whatever you do, don't loan them money or piss 'em off. 

Howitzers (November 23 – December 21): Howitzers pretend to be smarter than everyone, including you, but they’re all intelligence and no brains. They’re good at intellectualizing and probably have a string of useless college degrees in subjects like globalization and export control.  They acclimate quickly to any foreign culture and blend in like a native.  Stay on their good side, if for no other reason than they'll have a wealth of useful connections on both sides of the fence.

M16s (December 22 – January 20): Practical and reliable, M16s are serious and follow orders to the letter, whether they like them or not. They bear responsibility well, but won't tolerate any crap. They don't talk much, but don’t underestimate their ambition, particularly if you out-rank them.  You'll be saluting them sooner than you can recite your favorite jody.

Buddies (January 21 – February 18): Buddies are just that, i.e., friends with just about everyone.  You never feel as if you really know them, however, because even though they talk a lot, they never seem to say much about themselves. They thrive on group settings and can be counted on to be the life of any party, on or off base. They value their personal freedom, sometimes to an extreme, and when the war is over they'll marry someone from their remotest duty station and stay behind to "make a difference."

Torpedoes (February 19 – March 20):  Torpedoes exist in a different world. They read other people like a field manual and whine their butts off when life deviates from the ideal, which is daily. They get upset easily and can take days to recover from intense situations, for which they’ll find a way to blame you.  If you need a break, for a price they'll direct you to either a local substance or dalai lama that will take you to Nirvana, guaranteed.