Filthy Rich Sign Definitions

Sign Definitions

Hummer (March 21 – April 20): Hummers are pushy, aggressive, impulsive and sport portfolios that can achieve wealth one month and financial depletion the next. They make great friends and bad enemies, so bear in mind that their collection of medieval weaponry may be behind glass, but every sword is razor sharp; a “Morningstar” in this household has no relationship whatsoever to the Dow or NASDAQ. Between asset crashes and occasionally for vacation, Hummers contract as mercenaries in the Dominican Republic.

Bentley (April 21 – May 21): If you see a Bentley tending his own garden, don’t be fooled into thinking they’re financially impaired. Those orchids came straight from the Rain Forest on a private jet while that massive staghorn fern arrived in an armored truck. Inside their seemingly unobtrusive manor house lies a perfectly climatized winecellar stocked with 1804 vintage reserve, imported Austrian ale, and Scottish whiskey that will bring tears of joy to your eyes. A considerable percentage of their holdings will be in land, gold bullion and cold, hard cash.

Ferrari (May 22 – June 21): Like their namesake, Ferraris are energetic, fast and seldom found parked for show in the circular drive. They can’t tolerate boredom and you’ll have to run like a cheetah to keep pace. Their financials comprise everything from soup to nuts with a decade or two of trend data to back it up. They don’t sit idle long before going after some new venture. For leisure they pursue activities such as climbing the Muldrow Glacier or penguin censuses in Antarctica.

Lexus (June 22 – July 22): Lexus’ aren’t attention seekers, but are always noticed and you’ll feel comfortable in their presence. They’re unobtrusive and friendly, often nurturing, sometimes whiney, but don’t underestimate their capabilities. Their home, regardless of size, is cozy and burgeoning with antiques. You probably think they’re heirlooms, but in reality they originated at garage sales on that side of town. Lexus’ tend to be close to their mother, who lives in a six thousand square foot “cottage” in the woods behind their estate. If they adopt you, you’ll never want for anything. Except privacy.

Rolls Royce (July 23 – August 23): A Rolls Royce emanates royalty, assumed and unquestioned, which commands attention like the Hope Diamond. Only the finest of the finest will do, without exception. They love jewelry, fashion and pomp, yet they’re amazingly warm-hearted and generous. Frequently they have a lavish, high-roller penthouse at Caesar’s Palace that they’ll be happy to lease when the market is slow. [NOTE:--Don’t ever forget your Rolls diva’s birthday or fail to include Gucci style fireworks in the celebration.]

Lamborghini (August 24 – September 22): Whether you’re the gardener, caterer or financial advisor, performance less grand than the apex of perfection will draw Lamborghini criticism like Harvard attracts future lawyers. Their behavior toward their host or hostess at social gatherings will make Emily Post look like a cretin, but if the wine or hors d’oeuvres are the slightest bit sub-standard they’ll point it out with great delight to everyone--except you. They love details, especially numbers, and have spreadsheets of the Dow since 1986 entirely memorized. They have a papered schnauzer named Adolph, a Mexican hairless named Julio, and an arboratum populated with exotic birds, any of which they prefer over you.

BMW (September 23 – October 23): Beamers need companionship, mediate disagreements for sport, and fawn over castles, fine artwork, and classical music. They abhor offensive behavior and therefore mix well with all economic classes. They frequently host elaborate galas to which they invite everyone so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings. Guests will thus include kitchen help, local indigents and known enemies, including all of yours. They find something to like about everyone, including ax murderers and WW II dictators, and are always tactful and polite. Their favorite hobby is playing peacemaker, whether you want them to or not.

Maybach (October 24 – November 22): Mystique shrouds a Maybach and their penetrating gaze can make your blood run cold, as if your personal P&L statement is tattooed on your forehead. No matter how confidential or secure you think your secrets are, including your deepest and darkest, trust me, they’re not; they know them all. How, you ask? Unbeknownst to you, they performed a Vulcan mind meld while you fidgeted nervously with your water crackers and caviar. They thrive on intrigue, power and control (the subtler the better), pay fewer taxes than their upstairs maid, and tend to be obsessive. Watch your assets and your back.

Masserati (November 23 – December 21): Masseratis exhibit a professorial air that emanates snobbery. They may not be the wealthiest on the social scene but they definitely have the most letters following their name, starting with “BS”. They have strong ties with Ivy League alumni associations and travel the world as if they own it, which indeed they do, considering the scope of their foreign investments. The hours spent on their private jet necessitate satellite Blackberry service and their personal GPS unit, which they carry all the time, contains every country known to man as well as upgrade capability to include the Moon and Mars, when available. Their library is more massive than (and often modeled after) the Vianden Castle banquet hall in Luxembourg. If you’re an animal lover or conservationist you definitely won’t like their den.

Mercedes Benz (December 22 – January 20): Practical, unobtrusive social climbers, the typical Benz requires security, both financial and personal. They aren’t impressed by anyone’s wealth but their own and their investments are as sound as the Rock of Gibraltar. Their practicality can even extend to doing their own laundry, particularly if they accumulated their own wealth. Benzes are frequently chained to their families, the majority of whom they support, courtesy of their over-developed sense of responsibility. Their wardrobe consists entirely of black, which they wear both day and night, as if mourning their lack of panache. They yawn at gossip and are in bed by ten every night, including New Years Eve.

Jaguar (January 21 – February 18): Jaguars believe that traditions are meant to be broken and make it their life’s work to do so. They couldn’t care less what you think and can either make or break a gala evening, particularly if they get started with their tasteless stories or, Heaven forbid, political views, which I guarantee are diametrically opposed to everyone else, at least in your neighborhood. They frequently support humanitarian efforts and charitable organizations, often of a controversial nature. Their favorite restaurant is Ruby Tuesdays because the waitresses there are happier to see them than members of their own family.

Porsche (February 19 – March 20): Porsches are hopelessly idealistic and converse regularly with the Dalai Lama. Reality is not their favorite pastime and they crave transcendence, which money can’t buy. When their spiritual guru is out of cell range, they’ll pursue any available means to attain their own private Nirvana. When bored, they’ll hone their emotional manipulation skills, using you like a forty-three foot cutter uses the wind. Whether it’s that marquis diamond at I.W. Marks, a new Cayman S, or an extended trip to the Himalayas, they’ll guilt you into it as sure as God made little green apples. Their meditation chambers frequently have elaborate aquariums masquerading as walls to further promote their sense of somewhere other than the reality-infested surface of Earth.